A Bit of Orange

And now the transcript of “Fixing the Prodigal Son” by internet celebrity pastor, Calvinist Big Beardo the Baptist:

Brothers, I can say with confidence that we Calvinists have a faith and respect for the Bible that far outweighs that of the Arminians. I think we all know that the non-Calvinists are still lost in their fleshly sin, relying upon the wisdom of MAN instead of the WORD OF GOD. They worship at the alter of FREE WILL, rejecting the sovereignty of God, and instead insisting that we can make choices. This heresy is the result of their own blindness, given to them by God, and the result of the total depravity with which we are all born. The Bible clearly teaches Calvinism, and as such we know that Jesus was a Calvinist. This much is obvious. Jesus would not have taught anything like Free Will. He would have ONLY taught that God alone has the ability to make choices, and that God meticulously determines ALL THINGS.

So what do we do when we get to something like Luke 15, where in Jesus tells the Parable of the Prodigal Son? Common sense will tell us that, since Jesus was a Calvinist, he wouldn’t have told this parable the way we find it in Luke. Either the text was corrupted by Arminian scribes in the 1400s, or Jesus was being sarcastic for some reason. So when we see a teaching of Jesus which seems to teach that sinners choose to sin, and that they can also choose to repent and return to God, we have a choice to make. Do we conclude that Jesus was being sarcastic, like he was with that whole “Camel through the eye of a needle” thing? Or do we choose to accept the difficult idea that the Arminians could have corrupted the holy, perfect and inerrant King James Bible?

Either way, I have taken it upon myself to fix this parable, and I now present it to you in the way Jesus WOULD have originally told it, so that it teaches the truth of Calvinism.