Sudden Realization at a KKK Picnic

KKK members Ed and Billy were slumped over their picnic table at a recent Klan Picnic, soiled paper plates and used napkins sprawled all over the table and ground beneath them. Ed was reading a copy of an upcoming speech he was to give and Billy was holding a copy of the speech in one hand and his most recent beer in the other, doing his best to follow along.

“Let’s respond to the Black Lives Matter movement,” Billy orated, reading with as much gusto as he could after three helpings of fried chicken and coleslaw. “The name alone is nothing more than propaganda. Black LIVES. Well, according to basic scientific definitions, sure black folks may be alive, as is crabgrass and mushrooms, but when all is said and done, a black folk is nothin more than a clump of cells. It’s just a mass of tissue! What we contend is that, while one may want to argue that it is human, genetically speaking, we reject the notion that it is a person! Whatever the laws are or have been, the termination of a “Black Lives” is not murder because it is not the killing of an innocent human PERSON. It is merely the removal of a mass of cells and tissue from the city streets.”

Billy chuckled and cracked open a new beer to follow along.

“These politicians, in cahoots with the BLM movement, are trying to take from us our fundamental human rights. We don’t go into Washington and tell them what to do with their Black folks, so why should they tell us what to do with ours? And what is worse, they want to tell us how to use the trees and hanging ropes in our own back yards. Hey, government! Keep your laws off of my property!”

Billy raised his beer and belched, “That’s right Ed. You tell um. ‘s good.”

“BLM complains that White cops be shooting colored boys for no reason,” Ed continued. “Well, I say the reasons are their own! Those police, and anyone else who be shooting colored boys, are expressing their right to choose. It’s their own choice to do the shooting, and the politicians need to keep their laws off of our guns! We got politicians who aren’t even Klansmen trying to tell us what we are allowed to do with our own selves. If you ain’t a Klansmen, then you have no right to say anything on the matter! You don’t belong in the conversation. It doesn’t concern you!”

Billy squinted at the paper, getting for the first time that day, perhaps for the first time in years, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Huh. Somethin familiar ’bout that..” he said, mainly to himself.

Ed continued.  “What truly matters, what needs to be protected by these dirty politicians is OUR right to choose! To do with our own selves and lives and properties what we want to do. Evolution has given us the place of privilege, at the top of the food chain. White privilege. And survival of the fittest says that the fittest survive. When a mass of tissue has a harmful mutation that causes it to be dark like them folks, then its only natural that we abort them…”

“That’s it!” shouted Billy suddenly. He fished in his pockets for a pen, and suddenly got to scribbling on the copy of the speech in his hand, even putting his beer down to accomplish the task. “I knew it. I knew it!” he said. “I done replaced all the reference to black folks with ‘babies’ and this thing reads like an advertisement from Planned Parenthood! Ed… you…” He sputtered for a moment as he search for the word.

“You’re a Feminist!” Billy cried, eyes wide.

Ed set his script down and stared at Billy, bewildered. He picked up a beer, cracked it open and said, “Shoot, Billy. Didn’t you know? Margret Sanger was one of us. She founded Planned Parenthood to wipe colored folks off of the face of America. Sanger called colored folks ‘human weeds, spawning human beings who should have never been born.” Planned Parenthood was meant to be for them folks like Hitler done for them Jews. Klan’s been Feminist for decades.”

“Why ain’t I never heard of this?” said Billy, his hand searching for his wayward beer as his eyes remained locked on Ed.

“Sanger wanted us to keep it hush hush,” Ed explained. “I got a quote from her about that at the end of my speech. Here is it; “We do not want word to go out that we want to exterminate the Negro population,” she said. “Shoot, Billy. We got the NAACP demanding it’s people support Planned Parenthood. That’s the next best thing to convincing them to burn crosses on their own lawns and lynch themselves from their own trees.”

“Still,” said Billy, resuming his consumption of libations, “I can’t believe we’re all Feminists. What’s my daddy gonna say about all of this?”

“Oh, he knows,” Ed reassured him. “If you weren’t so busy drinking, you’d have noticed he’s wearing an ‘I’m with Her‘ T-Shirt.”

Billy whistled his disbelief and said, “I’m gonna need something a bit stiffer than beer.”

Where is your hood, young man?
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