Someone tell Santa that the ground is LAVA!!!

Posted on December 19, 2018 by A Bit Of Orange

Canadian rabblerouser and language-police protester Jordan Peterson has said that telling your kids that Santa is real is not wrong, because, as he says,

“Look, I think “lying” is the wrong way of thinking about this. Santa Clause is a game. Its a game of pretend. And Children play games of pretend all the time, so I don’t see any harm in it at all.”

Image result for jordan peterson

This question comes up every year around this time-  Is it wrong to lie to your kids about Santa? Professor Peterson here has taken the popular approach of deciding that it is not REALLY lying, because its fun. Yes, you are intentionally convincing your children to believe something which you KNOW not to be true, but its OK because its FUN! THEY enjoy it- until they’re sitting on his lap at the mall, at which time they scream and cry as if they suddenly think they are on a playground slide covered in spiders which ends in a meat grinder. On the other hand, there’s not a mall-Santa in the world as terrifying as the average Mall Easter bunny. But I digress. Continue reading →

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All the Things are Bad: Charlie Brown Edition

Posted on December 18, 2018 by A Bit Of Orange

Remember when black Americans had to deal with oppression and injustice? Apparently no one on America’s social justice left does. I mean, it doesn’t take a LOT of research to find out what it was like decades ago when, in certain neighborhoods filled with Democrats who were still bitter about how the Civil War ended, a young black boy could be literally beaten to death for whistling at a white girl. THAT is what we USED to mean by oppression and injustice- being murdered for being flirtatious. Today, only Brett Kavinaugh would have been attacked for that behavior.

Today’s warriors for social equality have a different idea of what it means to be oppressed. Today, oppression for black Americans means being forced to sit in a lawn chair… ALONE.

And by “Being forced” of course we mean, “Being invited by someone who considers you a friend” and by “alone” we mean “On the side of the table with the least amount of people.”

But that lawn chair is a REAL lawn chair. The struggle is real.

  Continue reading →

Posted in SocioPolitico, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

All the Things are BAD: Veggie Tales Edition

Posted on December 17, 2018 by A Bit Of Orange

In case you were ever tempted to think that anything is good, California has apparently been gathering groups to inform us that ALL the things are bad. Today’s group is- and once again the believing is hard to be doing– a group of students at a California college’s “Annual Whiteness Forum.” Part of the reason this is hard to believe, aside from the cartoon like conclusions which all seem to have originated from the mind of a Sponge Bob villain of some kind, is that the group is run by Professor Dreama Moon.

I suspect we can easily decode this professor’s stance on the legalization of weed, but I digress.

Continue reading →

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Bunny Poops Cannot Be Removed with Good Works

Posted on December 15, 2018 by A Bit Of Orange

Welcome to Cooking with Rent A Friend! Today we’re going to be making an easy recipe that everyone will love! We’re going to be making some cookies. This is an old family recipe; it goes all the way back to our first parents Adam and Eve. But don’t worry- this isn’t Grandma Eve’s Apple Cobbler Surprise!

[audience laughter]

 Continue reading →

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The Burning Rubber Duck of Sin

Posted on December 14, 2018 by A Bit Of Orange

Welcome back to the GOSPEL! To refresh your memory, here’s the hot rockin’ acronym that’s been lighting up the top of the Pop Metaphysical Charts:

G– God made you to have a personal relationship with Him.
O– Our sins separate us from God.
S– Sin cannot be removed with good works.
P– Paying the price for sin, Jesus died and rose again.
E– Everyone who trusts in Him alone has eternal life.
L– Life with Jesus starts now and lasts forever.

So far we’ve taken a good look at the person we call “God.” He made you to have a personal relationship with him. In a previous episode I unpacked some of his defining traits, but summing up the eternal God in a two page semi-weekly blog is like drawing New York City on a Napkin.


This week, we’re going to take a look at the second letter in our acronym, whose name I am not allowed to say on account of it being copyrighted, trademarked, and owned by Harpo Studios. But I think you know the one I mean.  You may remember this vowel from the start of the Canadian National Anthem, or from the end of the names of some of your favorite cereals and canned spaghetti’s.

Continue reading →

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G, Davey, Who IS Mr. God Person?

Posted on December 13, 2018 by A Bit Of Orange

To the casual observer, theology can seem like a dense underbrush of spiky vines, meshed grasses, towering trees, stinging insects, and near lethal allergens. This is how the rain forest in the Amazon Rain Basin appears to me. I’ve not been there, but I spoke to a friend about it. She went to the Amazon to work on a medical boat, providing assistance to the poor villagers who live on the river. Apparently I was absolutely correct.

It’s a miracle that anyone survives living there.

Their average stinging insect is the size of a single engine plane. To be fair, the Chicago Suburbs has all the allergens, stinging insects and humidity of the Amazon, but far more traffic due to construction, and where they have trees, we have political corruption. But I digress.

Continue reading →

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Give me a G! (The Amazing Gospel!)

Posted on December 12, 2018 by A Bit Of Orange

OK, let’s see here: We’ve taken Pascal’s wager, met an elephant, we’ve thought (And therefore we are), we’ve had dinner with Hitler, and seen how nature and the universe at large prove the existence of God. Whew! I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’ve hiked all across the existential map. Or at least the Metaphysical Map.

I wonder how Dora the Explorer does it every day? That kid must be slamming cappuccino like there’s no tomorrow. I’ll bet that backpack of hers contains nothing but RedBull.

Now that we’ve seen why it makes sense to believe in God, the next logical question is “WHICH God?” The Hindus alone have 330 million of them (Which gives you a possible 900,000 holidays per DAY. The Hindu greeting card industry should be the wealthiest and most powerful in the universe!)  Continue reading →

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Why Kevin is a Hero, and So Can We!

Posted on December 11, 2018 by A Bit Of Orange

I recently wrote a series of articles where in I explained why Matt Walsh is an idiot. In
short, it was because he decided to spend valuable time on social media- time he COULD
have spent teaching people why they should not murder babies or allow the government
to remove all of our freedoms- ranting at length about how he feels Young Earth Biblical
Creationists are morons who hate science.

I suppose we should consider it from his point of view. Perhaps he looked around the
world and said, “People are murdering babies at state funded slaughter houses at a very
alarming rate, and people need to be educated so they can move and vote to stop these
senseless acts of murder. As a conservative with a sizable platform, I am in a position to help LOTS of people see how abortion is murder. On the other hand, do people know how STUPID Biblical Creationists are? I guess the babies can fend for themselves for a few more days…”

Perhaps he had to flip a coin.

Continue reading →

Posted in SocioPolitico, The Creation SoapBox | Tagged | Leave a comment

Big White Whale (Not a post about dieting)

Posted on December 10, 2018 by A Bit Of Orange

Lately, the church attenders in our nation have wondered how, if it’s so obvious that Genesis 1-3 are meant to be read as literal history, that so many people with college degrees have decided that it is a literary device meant to teach a spiritual lesson and not real history. Their point is a good one- why would educated people fail to miss the obvious historicity of Genesis 1-3  and then themselves write all kinds of theories about how Genesis is a metaphor for the ancient pagan temple dedication, used by Moses as a literary device to describe how God formatted the world in the guise of a temple, like maybe the Egyptians would have done.

It is something of a quandary, and I think I can clear it all up by having you ponder one facet of literary history: Moby Dick.

BIG WHITE WHALE copy Continue reading →

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A Christmas Roach Clown (Because Stupid knows no season)

Posted on December 8, 2018 by A Bit Of Orange

Every now and then you see a news story which you are almost certain was originally from the Onion, or Babylon Bee, or other satirical news sites and somehow accidentally got spread as real news by people who didn’t check the source. It seems like these stories are happening with increasing regularity since the Cubs won the World Series and Trump was elected president of the United States. I mean, both of those are news stories which, if not for a full year of stories leading up to them, would easily have been dismissed in just the way I am describing.

This is a rabbit trail, but follow me here. Imagine you were in a coma since 2015. You had accidentally wandered into the theater showing Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, fully expecting to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Your brain, unable to deal with the blunt force trauma, blacks out and you wake up in time for Christmas 2016.

“What did I miss?” you ask.

And someone replies, “Well, the Cubs won the world series and Donald Trump is President of the United States.”

Would you believe it? This is what I am talking about. Continue reading →

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