And now the transcript of “Fixing the Prodigal Son” by internet celebrity pastor, Calvinist Big Beardo the Baptist:

Brothers, I can say with confidence that we Calvinists have a faith and respect for the Bible that far outweighs that of the Arminians. I think we all know that the non-Calvinists are still lost in their fleshly sin, relying upon the wisdom of MAN instead of the WORD OF GOD. They worship at the alter of FREE WILL, rejecting the sovereignty of God, and instead insisting that we can make choices. This heresy is the result of their own blindness, given to them by God, and the result of the total depravity with which we are all born. The Bible clearly teaches Calvinism, and as such we know that Jesus was a Calvinist. This much is obvious. Jesus would not have taught anything like Free Will. He would have ONLY taught that God alone has the ability to make choices, and that God meticulously determines ALL THINGS.

So what do we do when we get to something like Luke 15, where in Jesus tells the Parable of the Prodigal Son? Common sense will tell us that, since Jesus was a Calvinist, he wouldn’t have told this parable the way we find it in Luke. Either the text was corrupted by Arminian scribes in the 1400s, or Jesus was being sarcastic for some reason. So when we see a teaching of Jesus which seems to teach that sinners choose to sin, and that they can also choose to repent and return to God, we have a choice to make. Do we conclude that Jesus was being sarcastic, like he was with that whole “Camel through the eye of a needle” thing? Or do we choose to accept the difficult idea that the Arminians could have corrupted the holy, perfect and inerrant King James Bible?

Either way, I have taken it upon myself to fix this parable, and I now present it to you in the way Jesus WOULD have originally told it, so that it teaches the truth of Calvinism.

The Story of the Totally Depraved Son

“There was a man who had two sons. Well, actually he had three, but he hated that third one and sent him away to die in the wilderness, and we don’t talk about him anymore. He hated that one before he was even born. His hate for that child, even before his birth, showed how just and good this father was, and if you don’t get that, you are a sinner. So now there were only two sons living at home.

And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ The reason he did this is because the Father had hypnotized him when he was a baby, giving him the worst selfish desires and disrespectful attitude. This was the same thing he did to all of his children, including that one he hated that we don’t talk about. It was so complete, that the boy could not resist his selfishness, and didn’t even have the capacity to want to. Often were the times this son would act out on those selfish desires, and the Father would justly punish him for his wickedness. After all, the boy was doing what he WANTED to do, so it was right to punish him, even though the boy could literally do no other.

This time, the Father chose to divide his property between the two sons. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, to a place his Father chose for him to go to, and there he squandered his property in reckless living as determined by his father. In order to prove his justification for casting out his son, he used his powers of influence to cause the boy to throw his money away on prostitutes and alcohol, even determining which prostitutes and what alcohol would be consumed, as he was still in total control over everything his son did.

And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country (as he was determined to do by his father), who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything. He eventually starved to death because of his own selfishness.

The father came to the place where his dead, lifeless son lay, unable to do or say or think or believe anything, because of being dead, and he caused him to come back to life with a new heart and a new personality, with his selfishness removed and a new love and respect for his father that he never had before, on account of his father determining that he should not. Before the boy awoke, the father used his powers of hypnotism to once again put thoughts into his mind, saying; ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ And he arose with those thoughts in his head, falsely thinking he had repented on his own because he was still foolish and worshipping at the alter of free will, and intended to set out to his father. But when he looked around, he saw his father had carried his dead, lifeless body home already because he, being dead, could not have walked home on his own power. He had been brought home before he was capable of wanting to come home, and now he found himself there.

And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again. And by dead, I mean he was literally dead and I had to bring him back to life and give him a new heart, which is why he is able to stop being selfish. He did nothing, because of being dead, and he’s only admitting to having sinned against me because I made him say these things.’ And they began to celebrate.

“Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, because the father carried his dead, lifeless body back from the place where he died in his sin, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound, unlike that other brother of yours who we don’t talk about because your father hates him for reasons we can’t know.’

The older son with the amazing beard and solid understanding of Greek was angry and refused to go in (just as his father determined he would). His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours was dragged back here by you, because he was dead and could not go anywhere unless you did all of the work, who has devoured your property with prostitutes just as you determined he would do through your irresistible power and meticulous control of all things, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; And by dead, I mean he was literally dead and I had to bring him back to life and give him a new heart, which is why he is able to stop being selfish. He did nothing, because of being dead, and he’s only admitting to having sinned against me because I made him say these things.’’”

There it is my brothers- just as Jesus would have originally taught it. I wonder what other parts of the Bible I can fix?