I have seen the light. Thanks to the many tireless commenters on social media, I have seen the error of my ways and I have begun to realize that the atheists are right. Morality doesn’t depend on God! We can figure out for ourselves what right and wrong are! We can create our own moral law using our reason and logic and science! And that is exactly what I am going to do.

First, I have been told over and over that human morality is based on empathy– the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Once I began to understand this, the rest fell into place fairly quickly. I hate radishes. I think they taste awful. Whenever I eat them I experience great displeasure, and so I see that I need to protect others from this horrible experience. This is why I am banishing radishes. From now on, no one will be allowed to grow, sell, or buy radishes.

I also hate cats. I would not like to own a cat. I’m allergic, so beyond mere annoyance at their smug, holier than thou attitudes, I experience physical suffering in the presence of a cat. Thus, NO ONE should own cats, and they too are prohibited.

Many atheists have stated that what is good is to reduce human suffering. Logically, if to reduce human suffering is good, then to allow human suffering is bad. That’s called LOGIC for all of you religious nut-jobs.

Of course there are forms of suffering which is acceptable. I’m a little hungry right now, but I don’t think my wife is doing EVIL by not bringing me a sandwich. There is a line of acceptable human suffering, and logically above that is a line where human suffering becomes unacceptable. Thus, the good thing to do is to define that line and put an end to ALL of the suffering above that line.

To figure out where that line is, we need look no further than our good friends, the Democrats. For years they have argued that if a child is unwanted, or if they will grow up in poverty, or with a serious physical/medical ailment, then the right thing to do is abort the child. On the other end of the spectrum, they have told us that if a person’s “quality of life” is too low because of suffering with disease, or due to being old, then the right thing to do is to put them to sleep. In short, if a life is going to experience an unacceptable level of suffering, the right thing to do is to kill them.

But of course, I think we ought to extend this beyond poverty and debilitating medical conditions. There are all KINDS of suffering which need to be extinguished. Consider people in third word nations. All of those people will spend their lives in worse poverty than the aborted children of America would have faced. I say we drop a nuke on every third world nation on earth immediately. It would be wrong NOT to!

And what about emotional suffering? I keep hearing about organizations which talk people out of suicide. As a Christian I understood why you would ask people to not kill themselves, but as an empathetic Atheist I think the right thing to do would be to kill them ourselves! Depression is really terrible, even if you don’t sink into suicidal thoughts. Why make anyone suffer that way? Therapy should have two doors out- one for those who are better, and one for those we will gently kill. After all, death is a basic human right.

The government ought to pay for it.

And what about other forms of suffering? I keep hearing that America is a racist nation ruled by white supremacists who oppress minorities, homosexuals and transsexuals. Transsexuals apparently get abused so badly that, even though they are otherwise sane and healthy, they kill themselves more than 10 times as often as everyone else. I think we all know that the right thing to do for those poor souls is to kill them all immediately. Granted, this will leave an entirely white and heterosexual population, but it may be the only way to end the suffering.

Now, don’t think that I haven’t considered the consequences. When you kill people, other people who are left behind miss them, and they will experience emotional suffering. In those cases, we just decide if their suffering is above the acceptable line, and if it is, we kill them too. Just remember- the faster we kill, the faster we rid the world of suffering! What remains is a happier world with more resources and shorter lines at the post office.

Of course, having taken God’s vote away we will have to decide for ourselves where that suffering line is, so we can vote on it. However, I suspect that such voting will cause division and fighting, and that can only lead to suffering. I think it is best for everyone if I make that decision for all of us, and everyone else just accepts it unquestioningly. I just want what’s best for everyone, and if you are a good person, capable of empathy, you will understand how I feel. And obey willingly. I don’t need to be surrounded by people who are caused emotional anguish by my plans to make the world a better place. I’d hate to see them suffer like that.

Until then, no more cats or radishes.

#TheExistentialVoidIsIndiferentToYourPlight

For more on the subject of Objctive Morals, but without the sarcasm, check out Objective Morals and the Fish Slapping Dance.