The media tried to do damage control for the AMAZING failure of Lightyear at the box office. This giant, beautiful, very expensive and tremendously hyped movie hit theaters, and families all over America said, “Mmmm. Nah.”

And the media started asking WHY AREN’T PEOPLE GOING TO SEE LIGHTYEAR?!??!

Don’t they know that Pixar put lesbians in it? I mean, Pixar has had lesbians in their movies before on at least three other occasions, but BUT… those lesbians never KISSED On screen before! And in Lightyear…

GAY KISSING! Pixar has finally added what American families have been practically DEMANDING in their children’s movies: Girl on girl ACTION! Female kissing female in a SEXUAL way! Like, not some mom kissing her daughter, because there’s nothing sexual about that. We’re talking ADULT FEMALES IN A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP KISSING EACH OTHER ON SCREEN! That’s what parents want for their kids’ entertainment, isn’t it? WELL? ISN’T IT?!?!?

But American audiences said, “No thanks.” And instead we went to see Minions: The Rise of Gru. I’ve seen it twice already. It’s really funny.

The Leftists couldn’t understand what happened. I mean… the Lesbians were kissing ON SCREEN. And families weren’t taking their kids to see that? How can that be?!?? Didn’t they hear about the Lesbian kissing? It’s almost all anyone was talking about! They MUST have heard! But they STILL weren’t bringing their kids to see this movie? Why?

Ok, but it gets WORSE. (And there will be SPOILERS for both movies coming here)

The kids at Pixar did what they KNOW Audiences LOVE. They took an existing property- in this case Buzz Lightyear from toy Story/Star Command- and they made the strong white male character- the title character who has been the HERO for 40 years- the CAUSE of the problems who needs “diverse” side characters to help him. And, because this succeeds so often, ultimately they made him into THE VILLIAN! YES! OBVIOUSLY Buzz Lightyear is the bad guy, because he’s a white male. He can’t just be the HERO. That would be racist. And sexist. And homophobic. Straight white males need to be THE FAILURE even if they are the title good guy. So the problem he spends the whole movie trying to fix isn’t a white, male hero saving others, it’s him trying to fix his own mistakes until he just gives up and decides not to fix it. Those kids at Pixar know how to write a BANGER of an ending, huh?

Also, they gave Buzz a cat and no girlfriend, so… he was just a little bit gay himself. Audiences wanted that too, am I right? Enough of this romance with a cowgirl. He needs a cat, and no indication that he is straight.

But not only that! The writers SUBVERTED EXPECTATIONS! Remember that opening scene from Toy Story 2 (which was actually from the in-universe Buzz Lightyear Video game) where Buzz breaks into the hidden Zurg fortress, fights through an army of evil robots, and nearly steals Emperor Zurg’s source of power and then has a fight with Zurg himself? REMEMBER? We LOVED that! It was EPIC! It was AWESOME! The fans wanted MORE of that!

So when the Leftist kids at Pixar started writing a Lightyear movie, they KNEW they had to keep that in mind.

And do the exact opposite.

Instead of having Buzz flying through space on an epic adventure, the story starts with him making a mistake that he spends the rest of the movie trying to fix. He’s not traveling the galaxy fighting evil, he crashes a ship on a planet and gets stuck there. So… they spend the movie stuck there. SUPRISE! Audiences should LOVE that kind of subversion of expectation.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! In the original movies and Tv show, Emperor Zurg was the leader of an evil empire bent on taking over the galaxy. Star Command existed to STOP HIM and SAVE THE GALAXY! So the Leftists at Pixar decided that Zurg would actually be… BUZZ LIGHTYEAR! YES!

Older Buzz from the future apparently stumbles on a ship full of evil robots looking for a leader and he BECOMES ZURG (Still has a cat and never marries), and then I guess figures out how to travel back in time and has to fight with himself. SUPRISE! Audiences should LOVE that kind of subversion of expectation. Zurg was Buzz the whole time! The good guy IS THE BAD GUY!!! So, maybe he’s not gay at all, because of being evil. But he’s still white! And MALE! So, CLEARLY evil.

But somehow, ignoring the entire cannon of existing stories and taking the heterosexual white male hero and making him the actual villain… didn’t thrill audiences? How can that be?

Toxic Fandoms. Obviously.

“Toxic Fandoms” are when angry white Republicans decide to hate the thing they are a fan of merely because new versions change everything they loved about the original. It’s basically racism.

The first answer the media came up with to explain the Lightyear box office flopping was the latest Jurassic Park movie. Clearly those families who had to decide between a family adventure where a Toy Story character and a talking cat go on an adventure in space, and the end of a 40 year old franchise where dinosaurs eat people, they took the kids to the dinosaur movie. That’s what happened. What animated family focused movie based on a popular franchise could POSSIBLY compete with the dinosaur horror show? The LEFT had found the answer.

But then MINIONS: The Rise of Gru came out.

And it was HORRIBLE. NO lesbians, no gay kissing, not even a plot centered around social justice or climate change. And what was WORSE, the main character, a hetero white male becomes mentored by another hetero white male and they learn the importance of fathers and sons and family tribes. It was disgustingly patriarchal. The director wasn’t even a man dressed as a woman! He was merely French!

So the left is completely confused as to why Lightyear FAILED at the Box office for the same reason Matrix 4 failed. And they are even MORE confused by how Minions could compete with the man-eating dinosaur movie when it offers NO GAY KISSING AT ALL. But for some reason, families are still taking their kids to see this movie- a movie which is the 4th in the franchise and does NOTHING to subvert expectations. Gru is still a white male who wants to be a villain, and the Minions are still his… well, minions. They don’t kill Gru or make him gay or make him entirely dependent on diverse female characters. It’s just… well, it’s entertaining and exactly what the fans WANTED. And they just GAVE it to them.

Which is basically racism.

All though in all seriousness, I have seen The Rise of Gru in the theater twice now, and I would see it again. It is a really fun adventure comedy with heart and a great soundtrack. Go see it, if you can stomach the lack of gay kissing. If not, don’t worry. Just go home after the Minions and watch something gay on Disney +. They keep adding gay content. After all, isn’t that what parents want for their kids? Well? ISN’T IT?!??! ISN’T IT!?!?!?!?